24-Hour Shopping in Rapture

*Back to back. Sacroiliac. Spineless movement and a wild attack. Face to face, sadly solitude. And it's finger popping. Twenty-four hour shopping in Rapture*

Thursday, September 28, 2006

feel the love generation

"Feel the Love Generation" by Bob Sinclair playing on iTunes as I'm typing this blog now.

It's weird when we make new friends and become good friends with them only to realize later that we're related or that our parents were good friends. Really really proves that the world is too small. I say world when I meant to say Singapore but that's an obvious statement. I've been blathering all this while about my good friends here in Singapore, Farrah, Alwiyah, Fi, Kin and so on.... We hang out like almost every other day. Friendster is based on the sixth degree of separation where it's a theory that states that everybody in this world is connected to not more than the sixth degree. (E.g. Me and Dannie - First Degree; Me and Dannie's friend - Second Degree etc.) However, it's only based on this generation. They don't have Friendster that goes back to our parents' network and their circle of friends and their kids and so on. (I really think someone should come up with that because I'm into that kinda thing but I really wouldn’t know how to create such a thing)

Anyways, check this out. Farrah's mother's sister-in-law is like my mom's sister's husbands cousin. (huh? I know.) But seriously, how small is the world for us to even figure THAT out. It's a long connection but it's amazing how we could actually discover that!

Alwiyah: Her dad's cousin (her uncle), is like my dad's best friend for 40 years. Alwiyah's uncle is THE DUDE that introduced my parents to each other back in 1978. She's also the little girl I met back in 1990 (she was 7, I was 11) in primary school.

Fi: His brother and Dannie used to be classmates in primary school!

Sharul: We met as friends only to discover that his mom and my dad are like first cousins. Like his granny and my granny are like sisters. Sharul’s now going out with Kin.

Dannie: God forbid we're related. Ew.

Lemon Guy: Ok, I have to add this guy because I just "rediscovered" him. There was this cute Eurasian boy in primary school who had a very high-pitched voice. I called him "Lemon Guy" (because the big bad wolf drinking lemon juice to fake his voice like a lamb in 3 little pigs… or was it red riding hood? Hmmm…) and insisted on teasing him and calling him that name even though he told me his name was "Joe". His dad was like my mom's childhood friend (because back then in 1989, we went pass his dad in our car and my mom went "Hey this guy is my childhood friend. So long never see him. His son goes to school here?"). I remember his dad in school, always friendly and chatting with other parents and the maids that hung out at the back of the school waiting for the kids. Anyways, so as years go on, I slowly forgot about this Lemon dude. Until a couple of weeks back, we were at East Coast Food Centre and I saw Lemon Guy's dad (He really hasn't changed over the years. Still look like a rocker) and in my head I was going "Oh my god.. It's that boy's father..." And I was looking behind him to see if that dude standing behind him was his son when suddenly Dannie shouted out "Hey Joe!" And I was like "Ya! That's his name! Joe! Dannie knows him? Is that him? Is that how he looks like now?" And as we walked closer to this Joe fella, I realised it was one of Dannie's metalhead friends, Joe. I know Joe! We met, chatted on a few occasions at gigs. THAT Joe is THE LEMON GUY.

I don't know why I love (what I would call) "Ilyana’s History". I hated Singapore’s History back in school. I totally sucked at it. But I LOVE IT when it comes to my own personal history and my parents history. Like I would dwell and retrace step by step how me and Dannie met or how me and anyone met. I love remembering these things. I don't know if people remember.

Adrian Low, a good buddy of mine from K.L. who loves reading my blog, god knows why - The first time I ever saw a glimpse of you was at "Heat" in Melbourne (Dain and Tamrin's party). A very drunk and high Iana waved at me from across the bar and pointed to you and signaled me as if to ask if you looked good and I just took a quick glimpse and just gave her a thumbs up. Do you remember that day? I was not even supposed to be there but I changed my mind like at the very last minute.

Who else can I do now.... Windy Aulia! My batamese fashionista friend/my little brother in Melbourne whom I encouraged and convinced him to go to Singapore to study Fashion in La Selle rather than waste his time in Melbourne doing something that he didn’t enjoy. Well, the first time I saw him (after the couple got together and started living together) was at Iana and Adrian's place. The boy was taking a long nap on the couch. I was abit curious as to who he was so I just sat there and stared at him until he suddenly woke up (and when windy wakes up he literally jolts up and jumps up on his feet in seconds).

Farrah Dibabs.... I first saw you at Simpang just before we went to Bali in December 2003 (our maiden trip). Harry spoke about bringing his new girlfriend to Bali with us and we were curious to see who and there she was at Simpang for the first introduction only to find out that Dannie and her worked together at Starbucks years back.

Cross-Referencing Madness - Much like “THE O.C.”

Ilaiza who's now married to Fardan who just had a baby boy yesterday (I'm a godmother now), used to go out with my cousin Jamal. He came down to visit me with my brothers, his brother Rahim and Yusuf, and was introduced to Ilaiza and they went out (that’s why I became really close with her after) but it did not work out and then she's went out with Fardan - who's like Mila's brother. Mila's like this really hot wealthy indo girl whom I first met at the lobby of the service apartment which she lived in and whom I was introduced to by Iana. Mila then went out with this Turkish guy, Boris and they moved to the same apartment as me and we were neighbours. Boris who’s like a good friend of mine who’s now staying in Melbourne and so I introduced my brothers to him and now they’re all good friends. Iana was this crazy, extremely weird at most times but most genuinely sincere person who used to crash at Ilaiza's apartment before she met Adrian. When Adrian and Iana moved in together, and I went back to Singapore for awhile, Ilaiza became close with Putri and when I came back to Melbourne we all became the best of friends. And then Windy has this cousin Ades and the both of them were always together and then when we all started to hang out together, Ades and Putri hooked up and now they’re both happily married!

Now here’s the punch: Ilaiza was a friend of one of my father's best friend's nephew, Azman Before I left for Melbourne (like the last day), my dad told me that Uncle Zainal wanted to meet me for abit. I was gonna go out and was extremely anxious when he didn't arrive after two hours and had wanted to just leave when I told myself to just wait awhile more. He came about 30 minutes later and we chatted for abit. He then remembered, that his nephew who was a Malaysian, was studying in Melbourne too. He gave someone a call and asked that person for Azman’s number. The person gave him the number and he then called Azman. He spoke to Azman for abit and told him about me and told him that he’ll give me his number for me to call. I kept the number with no intentions of calling. My mom came with me to Melbourne and stayed for about a month and when she was about to leave, she urged me to give that Azman boy a ring. I hesitated and she went to call him anyways and passed the phone to me and I remembered Azman saying “I’ll call you soon one day and we can lepak (chill out) together” and I was “Ok lah..” even though I was really not interested. He only called like another month later when I was at this café/pub on Chapel Street with my Singaporean friends whom I came with from Singapore, and he so happened to be around the area and so he popped by with a friend (Dain) and asked if I wanted to go to this Singapore club called “Salt” and the rest is HISTORY.

So BASICALLY, in a nutshell, if I had not waited another 30 minutes for Uncle Zainal, I would not have met the wonderful, most dearest friends I have now. 30 minutes. That's what it took to changed my life. I mean, even though we’re splattered all over Asia and the Pacifics, we all still keep in touch and would visit each other from time to time. I know that when I do get married eventually, each and everyone of them would make a special trip down for my wedding. That’s how strong the bond is. It’s amazing. I miss them all; I miss all the good times. What we had and did together could never repeat again. That chapter has long closed. But the whole experience has enriched me in so many ways. I am what I am today because of the subtle influences of each and every individual I have met.

And I am blessed now with the great friends I have here in Singapore today. The ones I know I’ll grow old with. We’ve had so much fun these past years and we’re still going strong. So so so much love, really.

It's the love generation. Feel the love generation.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Mr. & Mrs. Kiasu

So Singapore have decided to come up with a new initiative to give a lot of people more work. And when I say Singapore, I really actually mean just the government.

(Disclaimer: I am a neutral party when it comes to our dearest government. Those who actually know me will know why. I won’t talk bad or good about the government for personal reasons. I will remain neutral like Switzerland and Dove Body Wash)

So anyways, this new initiative is about “Pro-family”. For those who find that a completely foreign word, “Pro-family” means, well, “in favor of” or “in support of” family togetherness. So they’re initiating this contest and getting the people of this nation to take a photo of themselves with their family members at any participating retail/eating/drinking outlets (e.g. McDonald’s, Burger King, my company, departmental stores etc.) and write an essay of not more than 100 words on why the family enjoy going to that particular place and why they think that the place is “Pro-family”. Following me so far?

In a nutshell: Take a photo, write a short essay why you think that the selected place is Pro-family and stand to win a trip to Japan.

Only one entry allowed per family.

I was going through the website to see if anybody wrote about my company and came across an interesting couple.

Let me introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Kee Ah Soo:

They love going to McDonald’s…..

They wrote:

McDonalds cater to the whole family. For example, for my husband’s favourite fillet ‘o’ fish meal, he can upsize it and get twister fries with it too, while I can have my usual healthy grilled chicken fold-over. McDonalds also cater to my daughter, with the cheaper student meals. Children are definitely not forgotten. Kids happy meals now have a choice of healthy foods like yoghurt, corn, or even apple juice. Also, for bigger families, the 2 and 4-seater tables may be joined up, for ease of family conversations. A truly unique family restaurant now offering greater healthy options.

As I was going on through more pictures, I came across 2 familiar faces. But look! They’re now eating at Burger King….. Sneaky, sneaky....

They wrote:

Burger King caters to the whole family because of its wide product coverage e.g. I can have my favourite Swiss mushroom burger with my taro turnover, my wife can have the junior whopper and my daughter can have her tasty chicken cheese sticks and a Milo drink. The flame-grilled burgers with its salad fillings appeal to modern, health-conscious families. They can top it off with green tea for the adults and orange juice for the children. For the larger families, the eight-seater tables are ideal to accommodate everyone. Burger King is definitely a great family outlet.
Hmmmm…. Quite similar to what they wrote about McDonald’s. Covering themselves with the burgers were not much of a disguise I must add. Nice try Mr. and Mrs Kee.

Oh but wait! I spoke to soon!

It’s the nice couple again, this time their full side profile. And they’re no longer stuffing their face with food. They at the National Library of Singapore!

They wrote:

A trip to the library is definitely a family affair. It provides fun entertainment for the whole family. For example, I can look for my Stephen King thrillers, my wife can get her regular dose of medicinal and health reading while my daughter can make a beehive for the teenagers’ fiction section. Best of all, this is free, healthy, family entertainment. It certainly beats anywhere else. Also, attached to most libraries is a café serving light meals and snacks. After a library outing, my family and I usually head to the café for drinks – excellent for family bonding.

Good luck, guys. Good initiative. Hope you win. (I wonder who took the pics though)

Anyways, speaking of not listening to instructions, I had asked one of our Branch Managers to take a nice picture of himself for our newsletter because I could not go over the store to take the picture myself. I emailed him the following, exactly:

Hi xxxxx,

For the story, please include a clear picture of yourself; either mingling with your customers or pretending to speak with your staff. Please do make sure that you give us a big smile in that picture and email me back latest by this evening. Thanks, xxxx!


And these were the 2 photos he sent me:

Can you see what’s wrong with the entire picture?

I love my job, really. It gives me the opportunity to meet interesting people.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

the long weekend

When you’ve seen and done almost everything normal Singapore has to offer you, what else can you do but to do paranormal things. Friday was a fun day. Saturday was an even funner day. Monday was one of the most unplanned, most spontaneous day of my life that turned out to be a really fun day.


The boys suggested that we’d go ghost hunting. As weird as it may sound, it’s actually quite a normal pastime for people on this tiny island we live in, who really have nothing else better to do at night (or are on a budget and are unable to go hit the clubs). I decided on a catchy acronym for this activity. “GST” which stands for “Ghost Safari Tour” or “Ghost Searching Trail” - it goes both ways. ‘Ghost Safari Tour’ is when we sit in the car traveling down dark and spooky roads hoping to see something out there.’ Ghost Searching Trail’ is where the torchlight come in handy and we walk on a trail in search for something paranormal.

So it was just me and the boys (Dannie, Harry, Wan, Fi and Sharul) on Friday’s GST. We decided to explore the North-Western part of Singapore. Only then did I realize we had so much unused land. The Lim Chu Kang-Kranji area is massive! So much land untouched. Anyways, we were on the safari tour until we reached Kranji Reservoir Park. We headed to this playground, which was by the straits of Johore. We had an awesome view of the colorful city of Johore Bahru just ahead of us across the waters. A sign that read “Beware of Crocodiles” stood nearby. I started thinking about Steve Irwin and how he is so dead now and how he could have been here to discover our urban crocodiles and was interrupted by each of the guys saying almost the exact same things like “Shit! Did u see that?” and “Oh shit, let’s not sit here…” and “Shit, I cant believe I saw that!” and well, we could only guess what they were referring to and the more they spoke of “HER” (and when I mean ‘HER’ I mean “Miss Oh so ugly lady in white with long black hair whose dead but the coolest part is she can still haunt us” her) the harder I thought of the crocodiles and how I really did not want to see “HER” at all. And of course the guys wanted to get the hell out of there immediately. So I came to this conclusion that SHE was teasing the boys sparing me of her ugly sight.

And then we walked up to Kranji Dam for a snack and a smoke or two and headed back to civilization aka the EAST side of Singapore and drove up to the Changi Reclaimed Beach and had a breath of fresh air with another stick or two and ended the night with a good supper with more ghost stories contributed by Mr. Ronnie, the nice Bangladeshi waiter at Simpang.


It was D-Day to execute the lovely Miss Kin-Kinnie-King Kong’s surprise birthday party. Got up so late and had to rush like a madwoman all over. I was like a programmed robot, which is the way I work best when there’s lack of time (which is like ALL the time for me as I’m always late, never early):

Wake up-Eat Something-Smoke a Stick-Call/Wake Everybody Up-Get Ready- Check Weather Forecast - Plan Fastest Route - Drive (Still calling people up while driving) – Go Bedok South collect item – Observe Weather - Go Simei collect item – Observe Weather - Go Elias Green collect item – Go back down to Pasir Ris collect Fi – Go further down to Eunos collect Wiwi – Observe Weather – Head up to Carrefour at Plaza Singapura and buy tent, snacks and drinks - Call Kin and pretend that we have other plans for the day - Meet the best friend, Denise - Buy cake at Secret Recipe – Gather all – Have another stick while heading to car – Head to East Coast – Find awesome spot – Observe a huge ass malay family nearby who build a Marquee over a Bbq pit and hang those blinking lights and set up tents all around the pit ala ‘Barracks surrounding the Command Post’ - Call Kin and speak to Sharul and update him - Set up tent and placed mats and laptops and speakers (for movie screening ‘Lucky Number Slevin’ and music for ambience) – Blow balloons – Call Kin again and pick her and sharul up from the other end of East Coast– Walk Kin and Sharul to the spot and execute birthday surprise!!!

I love surprises and surprising others.


It was just me and dannie spending some quality time together.


Started the day at noon. Went to the doctors. No points for guessing why. Collected car from workshop (of all people to crash into my parked car while reversing into a slot – the big boss) and dropped the car back hope and continued to drive the Camry (bigger car with bigger space for my big group of friends – Haha.) Farrah’s back from Los Angeles so we picked her up. Time then was 5pm sharp. Then Dannie decided to pick Kin up from work (cos he wanted to check out the prisoners cos Kin works for the Prison) at 6pm and then we headed up to East Coast Lagoon Food Centre for a Seafood Feast (cos whenever Farrah’s back she goes on a local food binge and drags us in it all the time). Almost 8pm, Wan and Harry decided to join us at the carpark and we were wondering what to do for the rest of the night. It was close to 8.30pm when we decided to drop by my place and grab some snacks and torchlights for some adventure which was not decided then yet. So we did that and the way to the North-East direction, Farrah mentioned about a garden maze in Pasir Ris and everyone suddenly lit up almost immediately shouted “Yeah! Let’s go!” in agreement. So we headed to Pasir Ris. Looking for the maze itself was a maze. We finally found the maze and finally after getting on track and almost reaching to the middle, our path was blocked by this gigantic spider web and a spider ala ‘the spider that build a web at the entrance of the cave in which prophet Muhammad was hiding from the enemies’ (yes, us crazy people could actually think so deeply at a time like that) so we decided not to go further and turned back.

Later we had a race to the car. 3 teams. Rules: No running and no walking on the grass. Me and Dannie won the race followed by Harry and Farrah and later, Kin and Wan.
We then drove up to Seletar and discovered the Seletar Camp and the Seletar Airport. Then we started daydreaming of all of us staying together in a huge bungalow at ‘The Oval’.

Soon after that, we headed up North to Woodlands to send Kin home then headed back to the East to drop Wan and Harry off as they had to work early the next day. That concludes the first half of the night.

Tuesday Morning (12.15am)

We decided to give Alwiyah a call. She works till 1am so we picked her up from work at the IMF zone. Where do you go in Singapore at 1am in the morning where you can shop til you drop and see lot of interesting things? There’s no other place but Mustafa Centre! So that’s where we spent the next 2 hours – Buying groceries and snacks for home/office, browsing through dvds, cds and vcds, looking at cheap electronic equipments and other household peripherals. Mustafa rocks basically. That dude’s brilliant. They even have the best Milo Ice in the whole world there. Dannie was so overwhelmed by the Indianess of the place that suddenly, he craved for Dosai. He refused to eat ANYTHING else but Dosai for the night. It was 3.30am. We asked around for places that may sell Dosai at that hour and nobody could think of a place. I mean it’s Serangoon aka ‘Little India’ for god’s sake and not a single store was selling Dosai at that hour. Of course when a man craves for something, it has to be satisfied so Dannie insisted on going ALL the way to Jln Kayu (which is a stone’s throw away from Seletar – where we were earlier that night). The best part of the story has yet to come.

So we were on the road to Jln Kayu. Yio Chu Kang Road to be exact. Suddenly, our surrounding looked like it was out of a scene of a horror movie – the whole stretch of road was misty like never before and not a single vehicle or person in sight. I was getting excited because the last time I actually saw mist like that was back in Melbourne so I wound down the window and stuck my hand out going “Waaaaaaahhh… So coooold the air!!!! So niceeeeee….. Wooooohoooooo….” Farrah and Alwiyah followed almost immediately. Then suddenly, Dannie said in his most serious voice, “Put your hands in the car!!” “Huh?” “I said put your hands back in the car!!” “Shit! What?” First thought in my head was the mist was actually some kind of poison chemicals. ‘Really is that possible in Singapore? How does Dannie know?’ Then suddenly Dannie just exclaimed “I saw HER behind us. She went passed the car… Shit! She was looking right at us!”

Anti Climax to the max you know what I’m saying?

Best part is, when we got to Jln Kayu and ordered Dosai (cos we went through all this trouble for the Dosai), the mama guy told us as-a-matter-of-factly in the most sternest Indian-accented-with-head-shaking voice, “We 45 years already NEVER sell Dosai. 45 years already never sell. Our speciality is Prata. You want Dosai you go Serangoon or Ang Mo Kio have.”


A Digression

Anyways, check this out:

READS: A honey grape of high quality that is produced in viscosity field that west coast sea wind and organic matter in low agricultural chemicals are consumer get into the spotlight.

The above was taken from this Korean Grapes box I found at the office. I don't understand why the Koreans (much like the Japanese) try to use big words and make themselves look oh-so-stupid! Either that or really, my england no good enough.

Friday, September 15, 2006

bad spelling anonymous idiots

If u find the following annoying to read, pls empathise with me. Imagine how I feel having to read these x 10, every single day.

What customer wrote word for word with spelling errors included:

Complaint #1
Sender: Anonymous

At PUGGOL PLAZA (Canteen and Shops)
the Air-con. Not Cool at all, and also the table not enought serve the castomers and also the chair.
The 4-D counter table not many. So crowd, the customers cannot write. You must increased the long able to server the castomers.
I'm living in Puggol many years, the crowd was --> Sat. and Sunday and Public Holidays.


Complaint #2
Sender: Same as Above (Same handwriting)

Was at Punggol Plaza (me: today he/she can spell Punggol), When the Buses and cars turning to the Left side, You should fixed one traffice light (me: suddenly we're LTA)
Because too many cars, when to the Car-Park and also the Motor Cycles. and Buse etc.
Public Holidays, Saturday and Sunday (school Holidays) Safety and no accident at all.

The 4-D table was too small and so crowd (me: this fella is a gambler) You shold fixed long table near the side walls. Beacuse can-not write the 4-D 'N' Toto. etc., or make one long talbe. Thank you.
No. Name (secret customer) (me: no shit!)


Complaint #3
Sender: Same as Above 2 (But he wrote: Secret Customer No Mention)

The Canteen Air-Con was not cool, Because when the weather is hot. not cool at all, The two Auto door open the Air-con. not cool. When the weather is hot and also many flies flying on the table especially 4-D table (me: again with the 4-D table!) and the wet market (B1) too. the Customer Complaint Air con. and flies too. the tolet also have flies flying all about in side the Canteen. The 4-D counter was so crowd. The TV was too small can not seen the table was too small, can not write, so you fix more table to write (4-D, ToTo and foot balls)


Note: We received 4 more feedback from the same customer requesting for similar things. Gosh!

Complaint #4
Sender: Anonymous

you need to sell chewing gums


Complaint #5
Sender: Miss Tan Chor Yee Suzie

I have a new idea on what type of drink to let Yeo Hiap Seng Ltd to manufacture and export it to the European countries, U.S.A. Your Yeo Hiap Seng receptionist (me: OUR YHS receptionist?!) is very incorporative, I wanted her to tell me what bus and send me the map of Yeo Hiap Seng Ltd Company address she refuses. I do not have any money to take taxi to your Yeo Hiap Seng Ltd Company. Please send letters to arrange an appointment time to meet the Managing Director of Yeo Hiap Seng Ltd Company.


Just who the f^^k do u think you are, Miss Tan? First of all, if you cant even send aletter to the right company let alone, the right address, I really dont think your "new idea" is worth ANYBODY's time!

Well, nothing much for now but that's all for now folks. My apologies. I'm really busy and looking forward to ending the day so till next week! Have an awesome weekend!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

the bittersweet ugly

I'm hooked on DARS bittersweet chocolate. I love dark chocolates - any brands. But DARS i just so happened to buy it cos it was on promotion at Shell. (You know how they keep asking u to buy their products on promotion when u're making payment) Anyways, I always go "No thanks" or when I'm actually feeling friendly that moment I'd say "Oh no thanks.. I wish man! But I'm on a diet lah.. I had so many chocolates this whole week.. Heheh.. Must cut down..." Really, I say this exact same line ALL the time that I feel friendly. But yeah, this time around DARS bittersweet chocolate was on promotion and I just couldnt resist simply because the packaging was BLACK and BLACK DARK BITTER chocolate just turns me on. I love DARS. It comes in individual cubes that you dont have to break, just pop and let it sit on your tounge while it slowly dissolves in the mouth for a good 8 minutes. I dont have to smoke forever if I constantly have this in my mouth. In fact, I have it in my mouth now. *Heaven*

Anyways, most of you would probably know that I work for the most singaporean of singaporean company in singapore. The epitomy of chingchongs-aunty-uncle-apeks and nonyas of a company. One that I shall not name just in case I get implicated. My job allows me to meet the worst of the lot. Everyday is a wakeup call that I no longer live in Melbourne (where I was for almost 4 years). A reminder that I lived and grew up in this type of society. This way of life we have adopted called 'Kiasuism'. Every single goddamn day I get this awakening - this reality slap to my face. Where I work, is a total contrast to my life outside this cubicle (thank you god! thank you parents! thank you dannie! thank you brothers! thank you friends!). I have had people coming up to my cubicle oggling at picures of my life and asking me if one of them was taken in a studio:

One aunty: Waaaaahh... so nice this picture! which studio u go take wan?
Me (almost died): Nolah.. This is a real place lah. In Australia...
That aunty: Sure or not??? Look so fake like studio wan! U sure or not...? (lifting up her glasses to look closer at the picture)
Me: Yes sure... Of cos lah... Where got studio picture like this!
The Aunty: Wah so nice ah... When u go? .....

Anyways, that's not just it. I also get to read, listen to the worst of complaints. Customer cursing over a 2% discount (fyi: every tuesday, senior citizens get 2% discount. tell your granparents) we did not give him for the 60 cents newspaper he purchased. Which amounted to *brace yourselves* 0.012 cents. When we told him the amount, you cant blame us for sounding like we were mocking him. He blew up and demanded the 0.012 cents back cos it's still money to him. (and let's not forget that we always round down the bill, instead of rounding up like restaurants for these ungratefools) And we had to ask him how do we repay him 0.012 cents? Should we round down to 1 cents or round up to 2 cents? You know what? I'm feeling generous, here's 10 cents, you cheap bastard!

I'm gonna start dedicating my blogs to the handful minority of the most ugliest, cheapest, mothafreakin' parasitic singaporeans of the Republic of Singapore. So stay tuned for that.....

In the meantime, if you're a dark chocolate lover like myself, go grab DARS today!

(disclaimer: DARS pte ltd did not pay me to advertise their chocolates for them)

Saturday, September 09, 2006

the executive timekiller

September 11 is nearing again in 2 days. 5 years. that was 5 years ago when i was in melbourne livin' with the pro-americans. I vividly remember that day like it was just yesterday. I was up 24 hours, glued to CNN. I didnt even go to classes the next day -i'm sorry sir, i'm traumatised by what happened last night in new york. u know i have friends in new york. i'm worried about them now. i'll be back in class next week. hope that everything's ok by then. -You know I did the same for the first bali bombing, the spanish trains attack and even when Singapore was hit with Sars.

Also, there's something really wrong with me. When there's a tragedy, I wont get excited until the death toll hits at least a thousand.

Anyways, Brad Pitt is so hot. Sighs..... I swear when I look at Dannie at a certain angle, he looks EXACTLY like Brad. I swear! Anyways, Brad (yeah, we're on first name basis here) being the deliciously hot social activist that he is, says that he won't be marrying Angelina Jolie until the retrictions on who can marry whom are dropped. He was quoted saying,

"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

But really, the article never really said what the restrictions were. Ok my point is, other than the fact that it's a saturday morning and I'm at work and I'm at my lamest, what's wrong with Brad? What is Brad trying to get out of this? I think it's just an excuse cos he probably really doesnt wanna marry domineering Angie. Does he really think the govt would change the law because of him? "Oh no, we really want to see you and Angie get married, Brad so we'll lift the laws up just for you. Thanks for fighting so hard for the cause... Go on... Get married now, you two..."

I really dont get it.Why Brad, why???? Kenapa....?

Anyways, today will be an awesome night. Our friend, Firdaus suka haus, will be celebrating his birthday at MoS. Pre-party at Harry's (the residence, not the pub) so it's like lutfi's farewell all over again. But I guess not as elaborated and there'll be missing faces, sadly but whateverly.

I hate working on Saturdays.

It's a bloody ways of time. Everybody's just killing time. 5 colleagues are msning right now, one updating friendster, one playing with ring tones, the ones without internet access are playing minesweep and I'm blogging. That's what we're getting paid to do, I guess. Kill time. We're professional timekillers. I'm an executive timekiller. It's a good deal though, if u think about it. We do less hours than 5 day-working people on the weekdays, and we come alternate saturdays and just kill time. Ok. I take that back. It is a good deal.

I love working on Saturdays.

Oh speaking of friends (were we even speaking about friends?), I found this quote and since I'm so lame this morning, I'll end this blog with this quote:

"Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him: a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure."
- Apocrypha (whoever this dude or dudette is)

Friday, September 08, 2006

the flattened centipede

Man and insects, we cannot live as one united world. Sorry.

I was taking a smoke break just now. It was supposed to be a peaceful affair. I smoke a couple of sticks and just rest my mind from work. It was my moment to unwind and welcome the weekends as lunch break marks the halfway point to the end of workday, but it turned out to be a stressful game. I'm just standing there, minding my own business thinking randomly...............

"Maybe Tupac Shakur is still alive. I mean after watching 'Tupac: Resurrected' last night on HBO I realised the guy had the whole world against him even though he was somehow trying to help the ghettos through his Gangsta Rap music... He had been shot 5 times before and people like puff daddy and biggie were like accusing him of something bad, and he had to go to jail for something he didnt do (allegedly sexually abused a female companion while he was sleeping)... The guy probably had enough of all that bullshit and faked his death... I really hope he faked his death... I think he's probably in jamaica chillin with bob marley or something now... Oh! So that's what my little brother lutfi was trying to tell me then 10 years ago..."

And then flashback to back in 1996/97 (cant remember) when my brother said, "Kak, I swear he is still alive.. He's probably in cuba now with Notorious BIG aka Biggie.. You must read this 13-paged theory of why he is still alive..." and I obligingly said "Ok I will, fi.." But I didnt....
And then this flying insect that looked like a baby wasp came flying around me, interrupting my thoughts as if to tell me, "Hey, we're here u idiot! Look around you!"

From that point onwards, I had to look up and down to check for these creepy crawlies around me while trying to unwind. Very stressful.

Then I started thinking about how the fat man's laugh always ends with an 'O' like HoHoHo ala santa claus because he is a fat man. Then I started to realise that the rich man's laugh also goes like "Ho ho ho.." and I thought, how funny is that? And as this was all happening in my mind, I noticed a dried leaf was moving quite actively on top of the green grass and there was no wind to make it move like that so it had to be insects doing that to the dried leaf. And then I started thinking what types of insects could that be? Ants perhaps? I wish I was an entomologist at that point. I would be so wise like Grisom from CSI and know what the hell is actually going on around me. And after that thought, I looked down again, and there it was, a centipede.
It's tail was moving vigourously as it crawled at an incredible speed of 15km/hr (or so it seems cos it was moving real fast), towards my feet. I swore at that moment I would never step foot at this particular grid in my entire life ever again but for now, I'm here already, I have to deal with this.

The centipede moved really fast towards me but decided to detour to the right and parked itself behind the left rear wheel of my car. I walked to the rear of my car to observe. I just wanted the cigarette to end cos suddenly it tasted like what dead centipedes would taste. It just rested just behind my wheels. My focus of that 2 minutes was now the centipede.
Ilyana's head went, "Should I get in the car now and reverse? Ewww. No what if it sticks on my wheel forever? My tyre would probably look like it has a thin, buldging scar like those badly operated stabwounds. Hmmmmm.... Think yana. THINK! Decide now. Crush it or leave it? (leave it was usually never an option for me when it comes to insects that are vulnerable) Leave it and what, Mother Nature will see that and tell all the insects never to bother me again? How about if I made a pact with her, will that work? Yana, you're crazy! Just finish the stick, get in and drive off NOW!"

But that's not what I did. I went with my first instinct instead. I quickly took the last puff, got in the car, turned on the engine, put the gear to reverse mode, and drove back like a metre. Then I went forward like a metre. Then BACK again like a metre (just in case centipedes are as tough as I once read they were from my primary 4 text book) and I need the wheel to rotate a full circle. Then I sped off back to my office about half a kilometre away hoping that somehow the speed would really crush that vermin to death over and over again.

When I reached the carpark, I parked my car and got out and never looked back at my tyre. Why? Cos I'm afraid, I guess. It should look disgusting. I really hope it got stuck on the road instead of my wheels. I dont know what to do now. I'm not at ease. I really hate insects. I thought it was just roaches but I guess it's all of them. I mean, just this morning I saw a trail of ants in MY ROOM and it really got my day off to a bad start.

(And do you know how many times I accidentally typed "incest" instead of insects? I tell u incest is evil! I mean insect!)

How cool and interesting would singapore be if it was an insect free country? How many more tourist (thus, income) would come into Singapore just by that fact alone? "We present Singapore, ladies and gentlemen. The only country in the world with NO insects!" Then we'll get a whole breed of people living in Singapore. We'll get people just like me living in Singapore. Those who feel uncomfortable can migrate elsewhere at let the insect haters leave in peace here. We'll probably change our name to something else. I'm not creative enough now to think of one though right now. I'll probably get along with everyone and I'll be the president of the people and like wow........

i need to get a life, man